Undying love

When this story arrived in our e-mail box, we were struck not only by the emotional power of the story, but the immediacy. Rather than a dramatic, heart-wrenching tale from her past, it is very recent. We contacted the writer, Mary S. and she agreed to let us post it.
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Until 5 weeks ago I never thought of myself as psychic or intuitive. I have been an academic for more than 30 years with a PhD in Literary Theory and always thought I was objective with my feet firmly based on Mother Earth. I can see that when I tell my story, my colleagues think: “Shame, she lost contact with life … let her dream her own reality.”

Four years ago I met a psychologist – I will call him Danny. We had a wonderful love affair, but because we live 200 kilometres apart, it was hard to see each other on a regular basis. Therefore Danny asked me if we could shift the focus of the relationship to a more spiritual one. He wanted us to be soul mates and to mainly “resonate” with each other. He actually called me “La gloriosa donna della mia mente”. Being a normal woman, I was a bit skeptical about just resonating. I wanted more and didn’t put my heart into the “resonating” part. We e-mailed and sms’ed on a daily basis and constantly sent each other poems and literary quotations.

At the beginning of this year (2009) I kept feeling that everything wasn’t OK with Danny. I could clearly feel his life force ebbing away, although I was far away and saw him seldom. In the middle of February I e-mailed him and asked if I could send him positive energy every morning at 7. He agreed and for about 2 months I sent him energy every day, although I have never before done something like that. It was no big deal, no flashing lights, just an “umbilical cord” between us, with sometimes the effect of dim light around his heart.

I always knew that Danny would commit suicide someday, because he said so on more than one occasion. When I received an e-mail 5 weeks ago in which he said that his electric cables had been dug up the 4th time in a row by thieves who sell the copper as scrap metal, and that it was going to cost a lot of money, I just knew that something terrible was going to happen. He also said that he thought of breaking away for a few days to rest. We were never in the habit of phoning each other, but when I got that message, I phoned immediately. He was on his way home. I asked him where he was going to rest, and he replied that he didn’t know – he just wanted to get his head clear. I pleaded with him to come and stay with me for some days, because he needed to be spoiled.He answered: “I might just do that …”

That evening at seven I sent him a sms: “Do you survive the cold darkness?” It didn’t go through – his cell was switched off. I went to bed at 10:00, but 20 minutes later, when I was nearly asleep, I suddenly sat bold upright in my bed. I felt that Danny needed me, and sent another sms: “I am concerned about you, Love!” It never went through. The next morning, Friday, I sat down to meditate. I hadn’t sent energy for some time, but felt that I should do so now. At first I couldn’t find him. Then I visualized his heart in my hands and suddenly I saw the most beautiful light. It was a pale pink shell colour in the centre with bits of soft green. Then a big mass of golden cream with a clear golden halo around it. It was so peaceful and serene, it felt holy, like total freedom and bliss, pure calm and rest … I have no words to describe it. I sat there just immersing myself in the soft energy of that light. It was as if the light was giving to me – I did not have to concentrate at all to produce it. Instinctively I knew that Danny did not need anything. He was calm and happy. I thought maybe he went to the Buddhist centre to meditate – hence the light. Then a thought came to me that such a light cannot belong to any living being, but I chided myself and thought that these thoughts could indeed be harmful.

Saturday morning the same happened, only that I sat in the presence of the light for more than an hour while being fed and comforted by it. Intuitively I knew that Danny was totally at peace, he needed nothing from me and again I knew in my heart that no living being can produce such a light. Sunday the same happened and I got the same feeling. Also, during the whole weekend I could sense Danny’s presence very strongly. It was as if he was with me, relaxed and free. I had the elated feeling of going on holiday and anticipating a long time of rest and freedom. What struck me about that weekend is that I went into a frenzy of cooking – something Danny liked but I dislike. I used all the spices and ingredients he would have used and enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Because men hate being checked upon, I did not phone his work – he made it quite clear that he was going away. But deep inside I knew … Tuesday I phoned. The secretary said he died on Friday. I was shocked, but not surprised. But I was certain that he did not die on Friday. Later the police confirmed that he had actually died on Thursday between 10:00 and 11:00 pm – the time I sent him the last sms. He hanged himself in his house. It was quite clear that he had planned on doing this for a long, long time. Before he went, he deleted a whole life behind him. None of his friends could be contacted.

The day I heared about his death, a friend came to stay with me. Like Danny, she was a psychologist. She wanted to help me cope without me knowing. Later she told me that on that night she felt a very strong presence around me. She was nervous and afraid to say or do something wrong, because she was sure someone watched over every single word she said. When she left me, she was sure I was not alone … The first 3 weeks after his death, I was aware of a very strong protective and loving presence around me (although when alive, this was not his nature), and even up to this day, I often have the feeling that Danny is here, that he is, in his quiet manner, helping me through this crisis …

When I learned that in his will he had left all his belongings to a friend of whom I had never heard before, I was stunned. But then I remembered that he used to prompt me to be without attachment. When I realized that nobody else had ever felt his presence after his death, I came to appreciate the wonderful farewell present he had left me: he actually came to visit me like he promised, and since then he has never really left me alone. He guided me with loving-kindness towards the realization that he had left: nobody could phone me with the shocking account, I didn’t need to identify him at the mortuary, I wasn’t left with the albatross of his will and his belongings … What he gave me, is the most exquisite gift anyone can receive … and at last I know “lovers don’t finally meet somewhere – they’re in each other all along”!

In my own language there is a beautiful poem ending like this:
Go then; take sail at break of day,
even with a broken mast and tattered sail,
right in between the Scylla and Chalybdis,
for you will know how near, how nearby that far, faraway land is.