This story comes from a man residing in the Albany, N.Y. area. Because of the intimate nature of the story, he asked us not to use his name. He calls himself Marlow’s ghost. We’re assuming he’s referring to Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593), the Elizabethan playwright and poet who is sometimes referred to as Shakespeare’s ghostwriter.
+++
“For over a decade my wife and I have been growing apart. Actually, she has been withdrawing from me without explanation leaving me quite depressed and mystified. She exhibits unexplained and hateful rages, controlling behavior, isolation from our friends and almost a complete (uncalled for) lack of trust. This has been very painful as we have two young children as a captive audience. She has also refused my pleas for marital counseling.
“I had recently taken a new job involving law enforcement and would pass a little shop on my way to work. As I would pass by, I began to feel increasingly compelled to stop. It was not the tailor I had previously used and to whom I planned to bring my suits, but I decided to stop anyway.”
Inside the shop, Marlowe found a “gaggle of women talking.” One of them was wearing a turban, had a Caribbean complexion, and was holding a small dog on a leash. Everything about the dog suggested it needed to get outside “to the nearest fire hydrant.” Since the other women were ahead of him, Marlowe volunteered to walk the dog. When he was back inside, the turbaned shop owner asked him to wait with his suits until she could get to him.
“Finally alone I told her what I needed and then she did a curious shuddering double-take and in non-sequitur fashion asked me in what month I was born. Now mind you, this shop advertises nothing but tailoring and mending services. I told her my birth month and this complete stranger says to me: ‘Your wife has been pushing you away. She was abused as a child and she has been holding this inside for some time. She feels you are getting too close and wants to hurt you before you get a chance to hurt her.'”
“Well, for the next 90 minutes she gives me details about my situation and myself that no other person in the world would know. She also told me that my two brothers-in-law, whom I consider my brothers, both good people, were also hurt when they were young.
“I left the shop dumbfounded, in a daze. I did not confront my wife, but I have sadly confirmed that her mother was highly abusive from the day my wife was born. This broke my heart and I haven’t been the same person since. I started therapy eight months ago to try and get my head around this whole life-altering saga.
“Now the synchronicity does not end there. At about the same time I took my new job as a local prosecutor, my wife entered the workforce as a child counselor at a local crisis center. Neither of us ever had such experience before nor did we ever consider these job sectors. It was out of economic need and these were the only jobs available after a two-month search. As it unfolded, one of my first cases was prosecuting a defendant who allegedly abused his young daughter. Now who do you think was assigned to this poor child as a counselor? Yup. My wife.
“I will leave this story here and offer something I have learned and then leave everyone with some questions. Many believe that emotional and psychological abuse is the most insidious and damaging form of childhood abuse.
“Now my questions. What would you do in my place? Would you act on this knowledge? Intervene constructively and try and help your loved ones in pain? Or just sit on the information believing it was just for your understanding. Last, as indicated in my subject line, was my visit to the seamstress a fantastical synchronistic event, God in the Machine, or was it both?”
In a followup e-mail, Marlowe told us that his wife has changed jobs and is now a counselor at an elementary school one block from the tailor’s shop. He has returned to see the tailor, who wants to help his wife.
“She has filled me in on much more very sad information, all of which I have confirmed independently. This woman is truly spiritual and an angel on earth as I have witnessed her personally healing and transforming strangers who enter her shop with an item or two of clothing. She also has a parade of regulars who come in always with a look of awe and expectant serenity on their faces. She tells me that my wife needs to come see her so that she can “flush” this evil thing that has been tormenting her whole life.”
Unfortunately, his wife refuses to visit the tailor.
“She derides me for believing a ‘witch doctor’ yet is scared to death to visit her with me. You have to remember intense guilt, shame, self-loathing and absolute secrecy have been instilled in abused children their whole lives.”
– Marlowe’s Ghost
A sad story…but Trish and I want to meet the tailor!
It would be very interesting to hear the wife's POV.
Thanks so much all. Mostly you bro. Cognative behavioral therapy and the courage to heal. Thosre traumatized must constantly remember thet they alone are in charege of their own thoughts and feelings. "Splitting" is not inevitable. You can accept that you can love and ragefully hate the same person. Splitting is a defense mechanism that allows one to function with the abuser but serves to screw up every other interpersonal relationship that you are lucky enough to encounter. What's even worse is when the other parent is absentee, narcissitic and bent on the family reconciling for appearances sake. He or she is as complcit for not intervening and seking help for the disturbed abuser and caring, listening, defending anf loving their kids. My only hope is that my wife will eventually see that she is hurting her own chidren and pertetuating this heinous intergenerational disease. Thank you all and I believe I have been doing all I can. My two girls start therapy soon after much hesitation anf blocking by their mother. Please wish me luck. I will never leave my wife until she kicks me to the curb or tries so hard to do so that she continues to scar our girls. Thanks again. MG
One of the Brother's. Thankyou for your affirmation. My own mother suffered from depression and for years she was drugged and hopelessly addicted to Valium and instituitionalized.
She had been misdiagnosed and 15 years later a young new Psychiatrist who initially though she was staff and not a patient, would put her through detox, take her off valium and even offer her a job as staff in one of the half way houses.
My mom when free of the drug, chose to move back to her family home and look after her ailing mother. And she became our mother again… though we were grown.
When I went through a period of severe depression years ago (about age 27). In utter desperation I called my mom in the wee hours of the morning. This is what she said:
"Hang in there May! What ever you do, don't go to a psychiatrist… and don't take any drugs! You can do this, you can fight whatever it is… trust yourself… fight!"
I am so glad I listened to my mom when what I wanted more than anything, some kind of mind altering drug to kill the inner pain that I could't understand. In the periods of slowly coming out of the depression my mom's own experience and how we had lost her for years to valiumm caused me to look within.
The depression that I had experienced did not center around the fact that my mom was ill when I was young… it centered around my spiritual self… I had to challenge my beliefs and I had to challenge preconcieved notions, I had to challenge my world, before I would be free.
It's about fighting the ongoing battles in life and not giving up… it's about my mother's last words to me on that fateful night: "You can do this May… FIGHT!!
Marlowe's Ghost thanks everyone who contributed. He found the comments very interesting and helpful. He also knew that his brother-in-law read this blog and would see his story.
It would be nice if his wife could read and be apart of this blog. Having read all the different viewpoints could maby open herself up so she might reflect her experiences and learn from the many viewpoints expressed.
Marlowe’s Ghost,
Once again, you’ve proven that you know me as well as a brother, by knowing I am a frequent follower of this Synchronicity blog. I also realize you are doing your absolute best to keep the family together, and I love you for this.
I like the fact that your Caribbean tailor gifted with second sight, offers “mending services.” Our mother suffered severe post-partum depression, soon after your wife’s birth. Fifteen years later, I experienced an emotional trauma, which led to my own hospitalization. It didn’t help that they drugged me up with large doses of Mellaril and Stelazine, to “calm me down.” People who have not experienced severe depression sometimes have difficulty empathizing with the victim. They don’t understand how you can’t just snap out of it. As Tormai points out, the tailor talkers of the world may be some of the most abused people. We wouldn’t wish the types of hardships we’ve experienced on other people; yet, most of us wouldn’t trade the wisdom, we’ve crystallized from these dark experiences for anything else; standing at the edge of despair, and then conquering it a little.
I appreciate all that you are doing to keep the family together. Believe me, I think about you every day. If I didn’t live on the other coast and wasn’t facing financial hardship, I would like to visit you more often. Let me know if you ever hear of any good housesitting / pet sitting gigs in the Albany area. Perhaps a small note in the atmosphere of the Caribbean woman’s bulletin board will help.
What an amazing story and understanding is I think the first step towards healing Thanks to the wonderful tailor, Marlowe's ghost can start to find answers. Conventional help is indeed not always the best help Here the state mental health is always fast to subscribe drugs as well. I worked with children in a home and I found the best thing I could do was to hang in there and keep respecting and loving them. I wish Morlowe's ghost all the strenght and hope he wil find answers
I wonder, too, about her spiritual beliefs, Nancy.
Anonymous – thanks for the input. Whenever I heard about abuse, I think about that book, The Boy Called It. I think that was the title.
Toumai – interesting about the women from Quebec. I'm sure there are a lot of kids who get lost in the system.
Wow. Very interesting story. There could be many things going on here, but it will take some digging to find out. She could have hormonal issues, not to mention all of the above. Borderline is hard to diagnose. But she needs some form of help, that's for sure. I wonder what she believes spiritually.
The Tailor sounds interesting!
Sometimes it's not so much past childhood abuses coming back to haunt. Has anyone noticed the new norm: the high divorce rate… I think it's over 50% now.
I don't think humans are particularly hardwired for long term relationships without the 'guilt' infrastructures within society. You know, the one's that threaten hell and damnation if we get divorced (how did we as a society ever fall for that one?).
Old lingering abuses/brainwashing like that are a hard shackles to break free of. Women in particular have been made to feel particularly guilty… it's the evil Eve syndrom/residual effects.
I just realized the above link I mention is not a direct to the article, "The Surgeon General's New Clothes". This following link will get you there. Very good informative article.
https://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/404?PHPSESSID=33567101377ebe4c244108c1356ff6db
Being locked in in the world of abuse is horrible. Not being able to voice it, scared of the consequences it is the most loneliest place you can imagine because you hurt every minute although the facts happend long ago. It's like a movie you can't stop and the anger inside is building up. Trying very hard to keep your role but the pressure is so immens that leashing out is inevitable. Because you believe no one can love you and you will go to any length to prove that believe, no matter what. She is a very strong person because she survived. Talk to her brothers. Tell her you know maybe together with her brothers. Give her a chance to open up without any force, this releases the pressure inside her and chance to heal.
Hope this will help you.
A while back my partner Cathy and I bumped into two women from Quebec who came to vacation in Nova Scotia. We met them at a camp sight and because they had two kayaks atop their van (not to mention gaydar was blipping off the scale)I would approach.
They were getting ready to leave so we chatted about 5 minutes. I mentioned that our waters in around our home- Upper and Lower Prospect (twin peninsulas) host some of Nova Scotia's finest kayaking adventures.
Two weeks later, Cathy and I are kayaking with the goal of locating a path that would take us up to a mystery lake that our son's knew of.
We weren't having much luck but could see kayakers off in the distance and decided to meander over, thinking they may be locals who knew.
They were the 2 women from Quebec. We spent the afternoon together and invited them over for supper.
We would come to learn that one of the women is a school principal, not just any, but a pilot project. The goal of this special school is to rescue certain children lost in the existing system. Children who are far too often drugged because they simply can't sit still from the boredom.
Their last words to Cathy and I : "We were predestined to meet".
It's the kids you feel for, the kids who will suffer the most from this.
Interesting quote about pharmo dollars, Toumai. I'd never heard of "restless leg syndrome," for instance, until pharmos started running ads for a drug to cure it!
Very interesting read, nice post.
oops, meant to say "Lord of the Flies"… not "Lord of the Rings".
Personally, I think that the 'tailor talkers' of the world have been and are the most abused people on the planet.
Many psychiatrists would love to get their hands on them so that their 'delusional' minds could be put on some serious drug program. Psychiatry is so much saner today, why afterall, they no longer labotomize patients (many of whom in the past were gay… or plain uppitty) and shock treatment is slowly being cut away in lieu of the popular DRUG Labotomy!
Of course people who have been sorely abused are angry… people abuse and there are just as many, if not more, who regularly turn a blind eye… different story when you become the victim.
The inner twin world has the propensity to reveal much abuse, but they have retreated (witch hunts… etc)for a time, leaving the world to fend on their own, to evolve while they rebuild (For those who have read "Lord of the Rings"… so goes the world).
I think the world has had to reach a point where it is so frightened by their own power corruption, disunity and evidence of impending nemesis, that it would in the end, be grateful when the inner twin resurfaces.
They worked and planned for the right time: in the Nick of time.
wow! what a story – and no real healing ending in sight – for either or both of them it seems –
and i'd like to meet the tailor, too! which reminds me that i need to get in touch with my daughter's friend to find again the card reader in the little cafe who was so great!
found this write up on the net entitled "The Surgeon General's New Clothes"
https://www.mentalhelp.net/
This quote particularly interesting:
Loren Mosher, M.D., formerly a prominent researcher with the National Institute of Mental Health, published his resignation letter from the American Psychiatric Association in Psychology Today (Sept./Oct. '99), documenting how the organization is "unduly influenced by pharmaceutical dollars;" over-relying on drugs, underemphasizing their shortcomings, side-effects, and toxicities, and virtually ignoring psychotherapy.
Good points, all of them. & yes, the world could certainly use a tailor!
The world needs a tailor.
I'm sure there are some medical professionals who could provide help, but most would probably just drug her.
I’m not sure if Marlowe’s Ghost is still looking for advice in this matter, but if he is, I’d like to offer more scientific advice (although spiritual advice is just as helpful). His wife’s emotional scars are too deep-seated to heal on their own. It sounds like she might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), although an actual psychologist or psychiatrist would have to diagnose that. If that’s what she has, it’s very difficult to overcome/manage, even with top-notch therapy. It is born out of abuse and/or neglect in childhood, and it might have genetic roots as well. (Again, I’m not a psychologist, so I’m not an expert here.)
MG (and others like MG), if you can’t persuade your partner to pursue formal therapy, at least insist that she educate herself on BPD and on cognitive behavioral therapy. For your own well being, you have a right to insist on that. Feeling Good, by David Burns, is a great book to start with—for managing BPD and lots of other ailments (depression, anxiety, etc). Good luck.
Wow. I just am amazed sometimes at the lengths spirit will go for our healing. I shouldn't be by now, but I still am. Wow.xx♥