This afternoon on NPR I heard a fascinating interview with Arthur Rosenfeld, a South Florida author who is also a Tai Chi master. He was promoting his new book, Tai Chi, The Perfect Exercise: Finding Health, Happiness, Balance and Strength. Tai Chi is described by Wikipedia as “an internal Chinese martial art practiced for both its defend training and its health benefits.” It involves certain movements, breathing exercises, awareness (mindfulness) and meditation.
During the course of the interview, Rosenfeld talked about the philosophy of Tai Chi and something called the Third Door, which is intrinsic to Tai Chi. Most of us, he says, deal with conflict through confrontation or by yielding. But there is a third door we can walk through and it must come from an inner, intuitive place. He then told a great story that illustrates this concept.
One day he was in line at a Starbucks to buy a cup of tea. The line was long and wasn’t moving quickly. He inched forward and stopped about four inches from the car in front of him. The driver behind Rosenfeld, evidently impatient about picking up his order, suddenly blasted his horn and leaned out the window and yelled, “Drive forward, you idiot!”
Rosenfeld’s immediate reaction was anger. He threw open his car door and intended to march back to the driver and punch him in the mouth. But before his feet touched the ground, he realized what he was about to do, and quickly swung his legs back into his car and shut the door. Confrontation, he realized, wasn’t the way to deal with this. That wasn’t the door he wanted to walk through. The second door, yielding, would entail him apologizing to the driver. He didn’t want to walk through that door, either. After all, what would he be apologizing for?
And then the third door opened, an intuitive blossoming. When he reached the pickup window, he told the woman at the window – a Brit whom he knew – that he wanted to buy the coffee for the driver behind him. She looked at him like he was nuts. “You oughta kick him in the arse,” she said.
“I’ll buy his coffee.”
“You might want to reconsider. He’s picking up coffee and snacks for his office and the bill is $58.”
Rosenfeld opened up his wallet and found just a $10 bill. But he felt certain about this third door and handed over his credit card.
That evening when he got home, his answering machine was filled with calls from Starbucks- call us ASAP, please – and calls from numerous media outlets. He figured he had overdrawn his credit card and called immediately. But it wasn’t about his credit card. Apparently all the drivers who had been in that long line had paid the bill for the driver behind them. NBC had gotten wind of it and wanted an interview. Now, he’s developing a reality TV show based on the Tai Chi concept of the third door.
I’m not sure how the other drivers learned about what he’d done. Perhaps when the irate driver pulled up to the window, the Brit told him his bill had been paid for by the man he yelled at, and he decided to pay the favor forward. However it transpired, the story has striking parallels to the movie Pay It Forward. And now I’d like to read Rosenfeld’s book.
What a great story. The difference in what took place in that Starbucks line because of choosing that other door shows that each one of us can make a huge difference in the world. You just have to choose. This inspires me to find some way to “pay it forward” in my own world.
Me, too.
What a great story……..and great comments as well. Thank you! I think this is so much what we need to know about these days, the human capacity for kindness and generosity. Thank you.
Speaking of dentists, Gypsy, our dentist for many years, Dr. S., now deceased, was remarkable. In addition to his own practice, he traveled the state and gave free dental care to the facilities which housed mentally challenged patients of all ages. Also, he never once turned anyone away from his office door who came in with a tooth issue. If the patient had no money, Dr. S. would “barter” with the paitnet. He once told me that “everyone has something of value: a car part, a service, an ability, whatever”, and he would take care of the patient in exchange for whatever that person might have to offer.
Sometimes, there were some who had nothing, and still, he never turned the patient away. He gave the homeless and destitute the same level of care he gave to his millionaire patiens. I have no doubt that in The AfterLife, he continues to serve. Knowing him, having him as my husband’s “surrogate Dad”, was one of the greatest blessings in our lives. His adult daughter is carrying on his work with both the indigent and the mentally challenged. These folks are few and far between. Bless the woman who helped pay for your son’s care. These random acts of kindness….bring tears. Although I’m not a Christian, I remember Jesus said, “If a neighbor asks for your shirt, give him your cloak also”. And when a person doesn’t even asks, but is in need, I think the giver is an “angel unaware”.
what a beautiful story! and one that is very close to home for me this week – my son has been having a really bad tooth problem for a couple of weeks – did all home remedies and nothing worked – he needed to have it pulled – badly – but his job doesn’t offer dental insurance and he wasn’t able to find a dentist who didn’t want the full amount cash up front – when my son was at work and several people had commented on how badly he looked because of the tooth, a co-worker told him he should try his own dentist who was close by – so stephen called the dentist and got an appointment for an hour or two later – now, as he’s on the phone with the dentist’s office, discussing financial arrangements as he didn’t have enough cash to pay the entire bill that day, the woman with whom he was speaking put him on hold and when she got back on the line told him that another patient had been standing at the counter and had overheard her conversation with him – and that this patient wanted to know how much the difference was in what he could pay and what would be owed so that she could pay it for him – and her only request was that he “pay it forward” when he could – and she did, in fact, pay the difference in full –
great post – i particularly love the idea of that third door…knock knock…
Knock, knock…great story about your son.
P.S. On the local news here last night, there was an account of a male teacher in a nearby high school who had a young woman in his class who was wearing her ROTC uniform. She asked the teacher a question relevant to the subject under discussion, and his reply? “I don’t talk with terrorists.” He was bullying the teen about being in her military uniform, as was required by the ROTC program. The school’s reaction? They simply gave the teacher a “letter of correction”. This is what I meant when I noted that adults can be bullies. What a sad example the teacher is setting for his students, regardless of his own attitudes about the military. etc. Sad situation.
Great example of the way we should act instead of the way we often do.
Paying for the coffee of the car behind reminded me of a ‘random act of kindness’ I read about a while back. The man concerned was heading into Wales over the toll bridge. He noticed in his mirror how the family in the car behind looked real miserable: mum, dad and two kids. When he got to the toll booth he paid for the car behind as well. Minutes later the family, that was behind him, overtook and they were all smiles – the kids waved like mad at him.
We can make a difference!
Great story, Mike.
Before I even got to your final paragraph about PAYING IT FORWARD, that is what popped into my mind. Retaliating or retreating is the general human response when a person is unfairly accosted, by whatever means, as the driver in back blasted his horn at the driver in front of him.Where was the front driver to go? Over, under, around, or through the cars in front of HIM? But the message here is clear. Few people, however, “get it”, and it behooves us to think long and hard about how we react to the unjust behavior directed at us by others. The child in the movie PAY IT FORWARD was murdered, but he gave his young life trying to help a friend who was being bullied. I’ve noticed recently that “bullying” doesn’t stop at adulthood. It continues, and there are many, many adults who practice such behavior. The final scene in the movie is one of the most heart-warming and magnificent I’ve ever seen. If Life imitated Art in such situations, what a wonderfuol world this would be.
Good post. And timely.
My daughter is having this very problem with a mean administrator (previous lawyer) in a charter school she is working in as her first year as a special education teacher. He has it out for her and has made her life miserable. Her reaction? She said she was going to kill him with kindness. She said her first responsibility is to the kids that need her and if it means being extra kind to the administrator, she is willing to do that for the kids. Sometimes, I guess the best defense is no defense.
Maybe the best defense is simply not to empower the other person.